the road

it seems i love to continually torture myself. seeking out things that i know will hurt me. thinking about what ifs, maybes, perhaps. imagining a impossible scenario. reliving the memories. its like a spoilt tape that keeps re-running in my mind. how do you stop it. how do i stop thinking. i wish i could. yet i can't bear to let go. i'm talking in fucking circles again. i want something normal. i wish it had all started in normal circumstances. and not in such a indefinite, dreamy time and place. sometimes i smell it, and i turn around, looking out into the crowd. but it'll never be. i know deep down somewhere that it'll never be the way i wish, i hoped it'd be. its like one of those japanese powdery sweets, you put it in your mouth and you have this short burst of flavour, and immediately it melts, leaving your mouth sticky and uncomfortable. that's the best way i can describe it. and then once you had it, its so good, you want it again, but its just sitting out of reach. hah. round and round in circles we go. its driving me insane. it was one of the best things that happened to me. but its one of the things that hurt me the most too. it made me feel alive, warm and safe. yet it left me in a situation worse than before. i'm full of contradictions and ironies, and so is it. that's how it'll always be. illogical. nonsensical. madness.

i feel like i'm standing on a road, leading to a place i don't know, and it stretches far far out, further than i can see. but no matter what, i will always keep on walking. whether i take it with me, is another thing.

i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken. i just want you to know who i am.

: iris :: goo goo dolls :